Re: Jokes

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:58 pm

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the U.S. and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing for four pitches and as the Ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride, man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!"

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:00 pm

A black guy is walking down the street when he sees a magic genie bottle. He picks it up and gives it a rub, seconds later a genie pops out. The genie looks over and sees the black guy standing there and says, "Oh Fuck! What do you want?" The black guy says, "Well I want a bridge built from America to Africa made out of solid GOLD." The genie says, "Do you know how much gold that would take or how much money that would cost? Sorry I can't do it, pick another wish." Then the black guy wishes that all the little black kids in the world would be just as cute and just as smart as all of the little white kids. The genie thinks for a second and says, " O.K. did you want that bridge 24 ct. or 14 ct. GOLD."

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:04 pm

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

**TwizzY** · by **TwizzY** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:05 pm

^^ LOL

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:06 pm

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:08 pm

This is fucked up.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:09 pm

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
' Brenda , may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim .
But where's my husband?'
' That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda . There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda .. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim .. 'How did it happen, Tim ?'
'It was terrible, Brenda .... He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout , and drowned.'
' Oh my dear Jesus ! But you must tell me true, Tim , did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda , no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
Reply With Quote

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:52 pm

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

(Wait for it.)

*

*

(It's coming.)

*

*
(Ya ready?)

*

*

* (Don't hate me!)

*
*

* (Yer gonna hate me!)

*
*

* (Take a deep breath)
*

*
" He should've quit while he was a head!"

**TwizzY** · by **TwizzY** on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:59 pm

OMG lmao... horrible but hilarious

Thursday · by Thursday on Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:02 pm

Holy shit! never thought i'd see a smart blonde joke. Maybe there is hope for those dumb blondes out there...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and
everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a
$110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

HAHAHAHA nevermind

Thursday · by Thursday on Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:49 pm

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I
must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone,
and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture
of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky The
Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all
the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his
buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note: Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 30, 2009 3:01 pm

Thursday wrote:Holy shit! never thought i'd see a smart blonde joke. Maybe there is hope for those dumb blondes out there...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and
everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a
$110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

HAHAHAHA nevermind

Hahahahaha
That joke was fucking brilliant.....