Man Jokes

Thursday · by Thursday on Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:39 pm

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

Thursday · by Thursday on Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:43 pm

Designated D...

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late
in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a
few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more
minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly
down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To
his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:49 pm

Thursday wrote:
Designated D...

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late
in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a
few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more
minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly
down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To
his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

**TwizzY** · by **TwizzY** on Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:08 pm

Debts :

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the hog farmer.

The hog farmer takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay
his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her
"services" on credit.

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100
dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she
rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms,
and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of
the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States government is doing business today. ;)

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Mon Aug 03, 2009 3:37 pm

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his being our president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''..Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

**Dudeth** · by **Dudeth** on Mon Aug 03, 2009 3:40 pm

**TwizzY** · by **TwizzY** on Mon Aug 03, 2009 7:47 pm

Dormitory

When you rearrange the letters:

Dirty Room

Evangelist

When you rearrange the letters:

Evil's Agent

Desperation

When you rearrange the letters:

A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code

When you rearrange the letters:

Here Come Dots

Slot Machines

When you rearrange the letters:

Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity

When you rearrange the letters:

Is No Amity

Mother-in-law

When you rearrange the letters:

Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms

When you rearrange the letters:

Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point

When you rearrange the letters:

I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two

When you rearrange the letters:

Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

It can be rearranged (with no letters
left over, and using

each letter only once) into:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

**TwizzY** · by **TwizzY** on Mon Aug 03, 2009 7:56 pm

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card
in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing
this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him
you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Mon Aug 03, 2009 8:19 pm

I wonder if that would really work.... LOL Kustom

**WikkiD** · by **WikkiD** on Thu Aug 13, 2009 7:28 pm

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I
went into the
local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came
out, there was

this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a
retired person a
break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His
insensitivity
annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for
having worn
tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating
Gestapo.' He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron

in blue..

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked
back to him the
more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on
the bus, and
the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of
those bumper
stickers that said, ' Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

**Dudeth** · by **Dudeth** on Tue Sep 01, 2009 11:08 am

I've never liked going to the dentist because my tongue always gets depressed.

**Dudeth** · by **Dudeth** on Tue Sep 01, 2009 11:11 am

Did you guys know that Jouche recently adopted a kitten?

It was the only way he could get a little pussy.

hahahah

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